Am I Breastfeeding Claire?

I’m often asked whether I’m breastfeeding Claire. I’ve been reluctant to provide lots of details when I’m asked because, well, there are a lot of details, not to mention a lot of emotions* attached to my attempts at breastfeeding my babies. The short answer to whether I’m breastfeeding is yes. Yes, Claire receives breast milk. No, she doesn’t usually drink it from the tap, so to speak, and no she doesn’t exclusively drink breast milk (that is, she also gets formula).

And if you want to know the details, keep reading.

I had issues breastfeeding both of my kids (or maybe it was they who had the issues!). Both were ineffective at transferring milk, which, for Claire at least, led to inadequate weight gain. The pediatricians (who know VERY little about how to help a mom be successful at breastfeeding – unfortunately, I know this now but didn’t initially and mistakenly followed some of their advice) wanted me to forgo breastfeeding and give her formula since her weight gain stalled. I wanted her to have breast milk as much as possible, but I also, of course, wanted her to thrive. So to ensure she was getting enough to eat every day, I pumped for her and bottle fed so I could measure how much she was eating.

Pumping is hard work, much more work than nursing or exclusively using formula: Not only do I have to find the time (on a pretty regimented schedule) to hook up to the machine and sit there while it does its thing, I also have to wash pump parts and bottles, and still feed Claire. So I get to deal with all the negatives of bottle feeding (cleaning), as well as all the negatives of breastfeeding (yeast infections, leaking, engorgement – OK, more than you probably wanted to know) without all the mother/baby bonding stuff (you know, those images of a woman gazing lovingly down at her breastfeeding baby?). I still nurse her occasionally before a nap or if she’s upset, but it’s more for comfort than for nutrition.

So why do I even bother with all this pumping? Maybe because I’m a masochist or a martyr (hope not). Mostly it’s because I want Claire to get the immunological benefits of breast milk, especially since she has a brother who brings home a new cold virus every couple of weeks, it’s flu and RSV season (both of which can be debilitating or fatal to an infant), and because she can’t get a flu shot until January when she’s 6 months old**. And even though I’m shelling out money every month to rent a pretty expensive breast pump, I’m still spending less on the pump rental than I would on the formula I’d need to use if I weren’t providing any of her nutrition.

For the first 10 weeks or so I pumped 7 or 8 times a day and provided all, or nearly all, the nutrition Claire needed. That was a lot of pumping and cleaning and bottle feeding. I could barely leave the house. I decided for my sanity to cut back to just 3 or 4 pump sessions a day, which for me means I’m providing about 40 percent of what Claire needs and I make up the difference with formula. She still gets the benefits and I get a break.

How long will I continue to pump? My initial goal was until she was 6 weeks old. Once I met that goal, it was 8 weeks, then 3 months. My long-term goal (stretch goal!) is 6 months. I’m pretty sure we’ll reach that goal at this point (short of some major disruption) and I’m not sure what I’ll do then. One thing I’ve learned from being a mom is if you have inflexible plans you’re setting yourself up for some major disappointment, so I think I’ll just wait until she’s 6 months old before deciding what’s next.

*Just some of the raw emotions I’ve felt as a result of my breastfeeding experience: Guilt – See previous constipation entry (exclusively breast fed babies never get constipated); Frustration – Why does something so natural (breastfeeding) not come naturally at all? There’s even a whole profession (lactation consultant) whose only purpose is to help women learn to breastfeed; Self-doubt – What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I do what so many other women do easily? And…have I done everything possible for my baby or did I give up too quickly?

** Breast milk has some really cool properties. From what I understand, from birth to 3 months of age babies still have some antibodies from being in the womb which enables them to fight infections. But between 3 and 6 months of age, those antibodies are gone and they can’t make much of their own antibodies, so often this is a time period when babies will catch their first cold and be sick quite often. Breast fed babies, on the other hand, continue to receive antibodies from their moms via the breast milk. So, for example, if Alex brings home a cold virus and exposes Claire, since I’m exposed too I’ll make antibodies to fight off the infection and also give those antibodies to Claire so she either won’t get sick at all or will get a less severe reaction. (And we have firsthand experience with this since Alex has brought home no fewer than four colds since Claire was born and though she has gotten every one of them, her symptoms are usually a slightly runny nose for a day or two, compared to Alex’s snot-fest that lasts for at least 10 days.) Knowing that at most I’ll have to deal with only one sick child has effectively motivated me to keep up the pumping regimen.